IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH - MY REFLECTION ON FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE
“I
am so glad you are getting married because you shouldn't be happier
than me.”
“Remember
these two words: ‘Yes, dear.’”
“Get
ready for your sex life to be over!”
This
information is usually divulged in a friendly laughable manner, but it is also
disclosed as if it were Sacred Scripture. With divorce rates so high, I can
understand why so many couples have predisposed deleterious feelings towards
marriage. Why don’t we hear more practical advice about marriage and its
beatific vision for the human person? Probably because like everything good in
life, it takes much sacrifice to make marriage work.
This
month my wife I and celebrated our four year anniversary and I have a serious
revelation to share. I am happily married (Sorry Ladies). I am not just happy
with my life, but I am more in love with my wife, Laura, now than the entire
accumulation of our eleven year relationship. I am not going to say that our
marriage is perfect because as with everything there is always a need to grow,
mature, and forever polish that which is most prized in life. I will say that
our marriage is sincere and open to the acceptance of one another.
I
know some will say, "Wait twenty years until you can't stand each
other", "Wait until more kids come" "Wait until there is a
death in the family, then you'll think differently." Why do we measure
marriage based on the amount of emotional crisis we can go through as a couple?
Do our vows mean nothing anymore? Why do we doubt our promises to one another
when the crisis comes? "I take you in sickness and in health, except when
it proves to be very difficult for me."
I
think so many marriages fail for two reasons: the inability to accept the other
person just as they are and the inability for that same person to change. “I
accept you, now change.” It sounds ironic, but is true when you uncover what
acceptance really means. Professionals will tell you that marriages fail mainly
because of sex and money or lack thereof, but I think those are results of the
deeper issues of acceptance and change.
“The
curious paradox is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
– Carl Rogers
Acceptance
When
Laura and I first met I was lost in a world of imagination and
self-involvement. I cared for very little people and didn't have much
going on in my life. Without preparing for college
I didn't attend after high school. I held some poisonous
friendships, ones that weren't molding me into a better person.
I didn't have a car and was too proud to take a bus
anywhere, even if it was to see Laura when we were dating. I was very quiet
around people, closed off to society while Laura was very familial and social.
I was numb from a visually disruptive childhood, but never let that on. When I
think back on my personality then, it boggles my mind on how I ever got the
girl. What could she have ever seen in that weak boy with a goatee? Well, I
asked her one day and she told me that she could see the man I would
become.
While
I am still struggling with my own acceptance, I can proudly say I have changed
completely for the better. Laura accepted my personality, but not my bad
habits. She clearly saw the habits that were preventing me from becoming the
man that I was meant to be and she challenged the habits, not my personality.
I am still an oddball around her, making up lyrics to
her favorite songs, talking to myself in front of the mirror, and trying to get
her to laugh at my “genius” comedic timing. These personality traits drive her
crazy, but she has accepted them. It is because of this acceptance that I
challenge myself to change those habits that destroy my joy, well-being, and
relationship with her.
Change
Now
this does not mean that a person in a physically violent relationship should
accept this circumstance and all of a sudden their alcoholic spouse will
change. Accepting the person is like piercing through their heart and embracing
their true identity, that motivated individual that is begging to come out. In
situations like this, the habit of alcohol abuse, for example, needs to be
challenged and if that involves one spouse separating from the alcoholic then
that may be what is necessary. Change can only come from the person who makes
the decision to change. It is an act of the will.
Habits
that alter your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual states are
worth questioning. Is my diet affecting my spouse? Is my creativity affecting
my spouse? Are my emotions pushing my spouse away? Are my spiritual habits too
advanced for my spouse or are they too vague? Acceptance inspires change. Think
of a rebellious teenager's reason for closing off to his parents, “You don’t
understand me!” That same teenager opens up to the friends who accept him as he
is. Sooner or later that kid will begin to change and conform to the habits of
his friends.
Marriages are in desperate need for spousal
acceptance which inspires positive change.
I
do not only attribute acceptance and change as the characteristics of our
successful marriage. There are four more that I think are necessary. I call
them the four "F's". And yes, I'm sure someone else can come up with
their own four "F's", but let's stay positive people!
Friendship
Laura
is my best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend then something is
wrong. Does that mean that we have to do everything together? While life
experiences have more meaning when shared, we are still opposite genders. There
are certain kinds of bonds that one sometimes needs from their own sex. Laura
enjoys formal and impromptu sessions of discussion with her female friends that
involve deep emotional topics. I just want to play basketball. Maybe suck at
golf for a couple hours. I prefer physical competition where I can trash talk
through my corporeal abilities.
Then
there are the places I don’t want to go without her. Food I don’t want to try
unless she is with me. Experiences I need to appreciate only in her company.
(Unless it’s a movie…then I’ll watch it anyway. Sorry, Love). I can’t remember
how I ever laughed without her in my life or felt joy. The trips I remember the
most are the ones that only she and I take. I have vivid memories of our
honeymoon in Mexico, our trip to Madrid, and our adventure in St. Augustine. No
other memory can stand against those. They are filled with simplicity,
togetherness, laughter, and a complete sense of unity. Friendship for us is as
necessary as breathing. Our marriage cannot survive without it.
Freely
Communicating
I
still struggle with this one, but have come a distance. Laura is much better at
it than I am, but I have learned the hard way that communication is key to a
healthy marriage. Unfortunately, a crazy shift begins to happen in men after a
certain amount of time in a relationship, they stop listening. For some men it
takes two seconds of conversation and for some it takes ten. I have become
aware that my attention is pulled in so many different areas, my neurological
pathways are sending messages to more parts of my body and I converse more with
myself when I am supposed to be talking to my wife. So we bump heads a lot due
to mis-communication.
I
understand that men have a challenge when it comes to expressing their
feelings. Ladies you should be aware of this and help create for your spouse a
safe ground to discuss those feelings. Men are hard on themselves. I am
constantly beating myself up for forgetting to make a doctor’s appointment, not
cleaning the garden or washing the cars, and not challenging my wife at times
to live up to the best version of herself. Men want to talk about those things,
but need a safe place to do it. Physical activity can only let out so much
emotion, while the rest of it needs to be talked out.
Discuss
everything especially finances, intimacy, work, and dreams. Laura and I started
a dream book where we write our dreams in there to reflect on. Remember that it
should be free communication, don't make your spouse try and pull the
information out of you like she is extracting a tooth. So many times I have
done this to Laura and it creates a divergence. If your spouse is your best
friend then communicating should be safe, easy, and free.
Family
Family
is the support network needed to help you keep things in perspective. I have
always had a challenge with my family. I grew up independent mostly, free from
curfew, rules, and positive encouragement. I love my family, but it’s difficult
to get emotionally connected to them. Laura grew up with the complete
opposite. So you can imagine the provocation of a shy emotionally numb boy
entering into an emotionally connected family. I have been challenged by my
in-laws so many times to take care of my spouse and continuously change my
habits. With over thirty years of marriage they are a reminder of success and a
beacon of hope. The amount of love they have for Laura and I is immeasurable.
You could count the molecules in the Indian Ocean faster than you could sum up
the immense love this family has for us. Family is important within marriage.
Many couples avoid each other's families or live with a deep sense of
resentment towards them. I think if married couples really tried to embrace and
accept their spouse’s family, they would find a deeper love and a new support
network. I can only dream of giving my daughter the same support that our
family has given us.
Faith
No
matter what faith you are or if you simply consider yourself
"spiritual", faith is the most important aspect of marriage. Faith
encompasses not only a religious belief, but a unified set of moral standards.
Faith serves as an aid during difficult struggles, a pathway to raise your
children on, and a deeper love than you can ever imagine. I can tell you that
Laura and I would not be married if it were not for our faith. In the early
years of our relationship we used to be infinity for each other. We were each
other's God and that was a weight that was far too much for anyone to bear.
Together Laura and I discovered, nurtured, and lived out a personal
relationship with Christ. He helped us get back to courtship, fostering a real
love for each other, one filled with giving and emptying ourselves to God. We
were filled with graces beyond comparison. We bonded in new ways through music
by playing for our choir, retreats, and for a band.
Many
couples have told us that they admire our marriage, but I can tell you that any
joy they see within our lives comes from a life of "seeking the kingdom of
Heaven". The greatest gift I have received from my faith has been a phrase
that came to me one day at mass. I easily get frustrated when things don't go
the way I planned. I think of myself as a perfectionist and want my marriage to
be perfect in every aspect. One day I was praying for our marriage and I just
had this thought in my head, "Stop seeking perfection, seek joy." So
many times in life we try and control people, scenarios, and the course of our
own lives, but experience tells us that things never go according to plan. So
seek joy, not perfection. Joy is everlasting. Joy imprints the memories that
are worth storing for later reflection. Joy is the fruit that marriage needs to
thrive. Authentic faith leads to joy.
Prove
it to Me
I
remember when my love for Laura blossomed more spectacular. It was when I
encouraged her to audition for "The Voice". We flew up to New York
and spent the weekend prepping for the competition. I was completely
overwhelmed by my joy for her. I wanted her to showcase her talent and succeed
for completely altruistic reasons. I did everything I could to motivate, keep
her on schedule, make sure her voice was well lubricated with tea, and be
present for her. It may sound silly to you, but for someone who would always
think of himself, this was one time where I had no interest in me and I knew
that I had truly changed for the better.
I
witnessed Laura's profound love for me when I was diagnosed with Vertigo. It
was a nasty spell lasting over five months. She put herself on hold during that
time even when she found out that we were pregnant and took care of me. She
drove me to work every morning and picked me up because of my fear of blacking
out on the road. She took me to ENT appointments, set up a special bed for me
to sleep on so I could get shut-eye, and cooked. She never asked for anything
in return because out of her pure love she wanted to nurture me back to health.
Marriage
is more than the wedding reception, it is a lifetime of opportunity waiting to
be conformed into joy. You will inevitably face suffering, but through the
bonds of deep friendship and free communication of feelings you will see that
your spouse is there to help carry the burden not be the burden.
For
My Wife
These
last four years spent with you have been the most challenging, yet most
fulfilled years of my life. It's not the same relationship that it was in our
early years. While we used to be in awe of the "new", I am finding
that my love for you is not dependent on how funny you are, how gorgeous you
are, or how talented you are. I am discovering that my life can't be explained
while it is separated from you. The very fabric of my identity as a man,
husband, and friend is intermingled in yours. It’s true that marriage is meant
to act as a bond for the complementation of the couple. When I look inside
myself it is your strength I discover. It is your voice I hear when I doubt
myself. It's your love that motivates me. I yearn to become the best husband
and friend for you because you are an extension of myself. Self-motivation is
really a unitive-motivation.
I
know I fall short in so many aspects of our marriage, but I promise to be
forever open to continuous learning and consistent application of change. I am
invisible without you. You are my foundation and existence. Four years have
gone by since our vows were said and not a day has gone by that I feel
discouraged. I love you deeper every day. I am freely here to help you find
your happiness in life. I am faithfully dedicated to you forever. Together we
have fruitfully extended our love for the world to physically hold, touch, and
cherish (Imma). I am totally yours from Mind, body to soul. Thank you for loving
this silly boy for so long. Here is too many more anniversaries. I love you!
Ti Voligio Bene!