IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH - MY REFLECTION ON FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Why do so many people offer you the same advice before you get married? It’s like there is a secret club that you are automatically initiated into when you are wed who share the same pieces of practical information or rather disinformation.  It is never really informative for a successful marriage, it always seems like a desperate attempt to make you aware of their own dissatisfaction with their spouses. They say things like: 


“I am so glad you are getting married because you shouldn't be happier than me.”

“Remember these two words: ‘Yes, dear.’”

“Get ready for your sex life to be over!”

This information is usually divulged in a friendly laughable manner, but it is also disclosed as if it were Sacred Scripture. With divorce rates so high, I can understand why so many couples have predisposed deleterious feelings towards marriage. Why don’t we hear more practical advice about marriage and its beatific vision for the human person? Probably because like everything good in life, it takes much sacrifice to make marriage work.

This month my wife I and celebrated our four year anniversary and I have a serious revelation to share. I am happily married (Sorry Ladies). I am not just happy with my life, but I am more in love with my wife, Laura, now than the entire accumulation of our eleven year relationship. I am not going to say that our marriage is perfect because as with everything there is always a need to grow, mature, and forever polish that which is most prized in life. I will say that our marriage is sincere and open to the acceptance of one another. 

I know some will say, "Wait twenty years until you can't stand each other", "Wait until more kids come" "Wait until there is a death in the family, then you'll think differently." Why do we measure marriage based on the amount of emotional crisis we can go through as a couple? Do our vows mean nothing anymore? Why do we doubt our promises to one another when the crisis comes? "I take you in sickness and in health, except when it proves to be very difficult for me." 

I think so many marriages fail for two reasons: the inability to accept the other person just as they are and the inability for that same person to change. “I accept you, now change.” It sounds ironic, but is true when you uncover what acceptance really means. Professionals will tell you that marriages fail mainly because of sex and money or lack thereof, but I think those are results of the deeper issues of acceptance and change. 

“The curious paradox is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 


– Carl Rogers

Acceptance

When Laura and I first met I was lost in a world of imagination and self-involvement. I cared for very little people and didn't have much going on in my life. Without preparing for college I didn't attend after high school. I held some poisonous friendships, ones that weren't molding me into a better person. I didn't have a car and was too proud to take a bus anywhere, even if it was to see Laura when we were dating. I was very quiet around people, closed off to society while Laura was very familial and social. I was numb from a visually disruptive childhood, but never let that on. When I think back on my personality then, it boggles my mind on how I ever got the girl. What could she have ever seen in that weak boy with a goatee? Well, I asked her one day and she told me that she could see the man I would become. 

While I am still struggling with my own acceptance, I can proudly say I have changed completely for the better. Laura accepted my personality, but not my bad habits. She clearly saw the habits that were preventing me from becoming the man that I was meant to be and she challenged the habits, not my personality. 

I am still an oddball around her, making up lyrics to her favorite songs, talking to myself in front of the mirror, and trying to get her to laugh at my “genius” comedic timing. These personality traits drive her crazy, but she has accepted them. It is because of this acceptance that I challenge myself to change those habits that destroy my joy, well-being, and relationship with her. 

Change

Now this does not mean that a person in a physically violent relationship should accept this circumstance and all of a sudden their alcoholic spouse will change. Accepting the person is like piercing through their heart and embracing their true identity, that motivated individual that is begging to come out. In situations like this, the habit of alcohol abuse, for example, needs to be challenged and if that involves one spouse separating from the alcoholic then that may be what is necessary. Change can only come from the person who makes the decision to change. It is an act of the will. 

Habits that alter your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual states are worth questioning. Is my diet affecting my spouse? Is my creativity affecting my spouse? Are my emotions pushing my spouse away? Are my spiritual habits too advanced for my spouse or are they too vague? Acceptance inspires change. Think of a rebellious teenager's reason for closing off to his parents, “You don’t understand me!” That same teenager opens up to the friends who accept him as he is. Sooner or later that kid will begin to change and conform to the habits of his friends. 

Marriages are in desperate need for spousal acceptance which inspires positive change.   

I do not only attribute acceptance and change as the characteristics of our successful marriage. There are four more that I think are necessary. I call them the four "F's". And yes, I'm sure someone else can come up with their own four "F's", but let's stay positive people!

Friendship

Laura is my best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend then something is wrong. Does that mean that we have to do everything together? While life experiences have more meaning when shared, we are still opposite genders. There are certain kinds of bonds that one sometimes needs from their own sex. Laura enjoys formal and impromptu sessions of discussion with her female friends that involve deep emotional topics. I just want to play basketball. Maybe suck at golf for a couple hours. I prefer physical competition where I can trash talk through my corporeal abilities. 

Then there are the places I don’t want to go without her. Food I don’t want to try unless she is with me. Experiences I need to appreciate only in her company. (Unless it’s a movie…then I’ll watch it anyway. Sorry, Love). I can’t remember how I ever laughed without her in my life or felt joy. The trips I remember the most are the ones that only she and I take. I have vivid memories of our honeymoon in Mexico, our trip to Madrid, and our adventure in St. Augustine. No other memory can stand against those. They are filled with simplicity, togetherness, laughter, and a complete sense of unity. Friendship for us is as necessary as breathing. Our marriage cannot survive without it. 

Freely Communicating

I still struggle with this one, but have come a distance. Laura is much better at it than I am, but I have learned the hard way that communication is key to a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, a crazy shift begins to happen in men after a certain amount of time in a relationship, they stop listening. For some men it takes two seconds of conversation and for some it takes ten. I have become aware that my attention is pulled in so many different areas, my neurological pathways are sending messages to more parts of my body and I converse more with myself when I am supposed to be talking to my wife. So we bump heads a lot due to mis-communication. 

I understand that men have a challenge when it comes to expressing their feelings. Ladies you should be aware of this and help create for your spouse a safe ground to discuss those feelings. Men are hard on themselves. I am constantly beating myself up for forgetting to make a doctor’s appointment, not cleaning the garden or washing the cars, and not challenging my wife at times to live up to the best version of herself. Men want to talk about those things, but need a safe place to do it. Physical activity can only let out so much emotion, while the rest of it needs to be talked out. 

Discuss everything especially finances, intimacy, work, and dreams. Laura and I started a dream book where we write our dreams in there to reflect on. Remember that it should be free communication, don't make your spouse try and pull the information out of you like she is extracting a tooth. So many times I have done this to Laura and it creates a divergence. If your spouse is your best friend then communicating should be safe, easy, and free.

Family

Family is the support network needed to help you keep things in perspective. I have always had a challenge with my family. I grew up independent mostly, free from curfew, rules, and positive encouragement. I love my family, but it’s difficult to get emotionally connected to them.  Laura grew up with the complete opposite. So you can imagine the provocation of a shy emotionally numb boy entering into an emotionally connected family. I have been challenged by my in-laws so many times to take care of my spouse and continuously change my habits. With over thirty years of marriage they are a reminder of success and a beacon of hope. The amount of love they have for Laura and I is immeasurable. You could count the molecules in the Indian Ocean faster than you could sum up the immense love this family has for us. Family is important within marriage. Many couples avoid each other's families or live with a deep sense of resentment towards them. I think if married couples really tried to embrace and accept their spouse’s family, they would find a deeper love and a new support network. I can only dream of giving my daughter the same support that our family has given us.

Faith

No matter what faith you are or if you simply consider yourself "spiritual", faith is the most important aspect of marriage. Faith encompasses not only a religious belief, but a unified set of moral standards. Faith serves as an aid during difficult struggles, a pathway to raise your children on, and a deeper love than you can ever imagine. I can tell you that Laura and I would not be married if it were not for our faith. In the early years of our relationship we used to be infinity for each other. We were each other's God and that was a weight that was far too much for anyone to bear. Together Laura and I discovered, nurtured, and lived out a personal relationship with Christ. He helped us get back to courtship, fostering a real love for each other, one filled with giving and emptying ourselves to God. We were filled with graces beyond comparison. We bonded in new ways through music by playing for our choir, retreats, and for a band. 

Many couples have told us that they admire our marriage, but I can tell you that any joy they see within our lives comes from a life of "seeking the kingdom of Heaven". The greatest gift I have received from my faith has been a phrase that came to me one day at mass. I easily get frustrated when things don't go the way I planned. I think of myself as a perfectionist and want my marriage to be perfect in every aspect. One day I was praying for our marriage and I just had this thought in my head, "Stop seeking perfection, seek joy." So many times in life we try and control people, scenarios, and the course of our own lives, but experience tells us that things never go according to plan. So seek joy, not perfection. Joy is everlasting. Joy imprints the memories that are worth storing for later reflection. Joy is the fruit that marriage needs to thrive. Authentic faith leads to joy.

Prove it to Me

I remember when my love for Laura blossomed more spectacular. It was when I encouraged her to audition for "The Voice". We flew up to New York and spent the weekend prepping for the competition. I was completely overwhelmed by my joy for her. I wanted her to showcase her talent and succeed for completely altruistic reasons. I did everything I could to motivate, keep her on schedule, make sure her voice was well lubricated with tea, and be present for her. It may sound silly to you, but for someone who would always think of himself, this was one time where I had no interest in me and I knew that I had truly changed for the better. 

I witnessed Laura's profound love for me when I was diagnosed with Vertigo. It was a nasty spell lasting over five months. She put herself on hold during that time even when she found out that we were pregnant and took care of me. She drove me to work every morning and picked me up because of my fear of blacking out on the road. She took me to ENT appointments, set up a special bed for me to sleep on so I could get shut-eye, and cooked. She never asked for anything in return because out of her pure love she wanted to nurture me back to health. 

Marriage is more than the wedding reception, it is a lifetime of opportunity waiting to be conformed into joy. You will inevitably face suffering, but through the bonds of deep friendship and free communication of feelings you will see that your spouse is there to help carry the burden not be the burden.

For My Wife

These last four years spent with you have been the most challenging, yet most fulfilled years of my life. It's not the same relationship that it was in our early years. While we used to be in awe of the "new", I am finding that my love for you is not dependent on how funny you are, how gorgeous you are, or how talented you are. I am discovering that my life can't be explained while it is separated from you. The very fabric of my identity as a man, husband, and friend is intermingled in yours. It’s true that marriage is meant to act as a bond for the complementation of the couple. When I look inside myself it is your strength I discover. It is your voice I hear when I doubt myself. It's your love that motivates me. I yearn to become the best husband and friend for you because you are an extension of myself. Self-motivation is really a unitive-motivation. 

I know I fall short in so many aspects of our marriage, but I promise to be forever open to continuous learning and consistent application of change. I am invisible without you. You are my foundation and existence. Four years have gone by since our vows were said and not a day has gone by that I feel discouraged. I love you deeper every day. I am freely here to help you find your happiness in life. I am faithfully dedicated to you forever. Together we have fruitfully extended our love for the world to physically hold, touch, and cherish (Imma). I am totally yours from Mind, body to soul. Thank you for loving this silly boy for so long. Here is too many more anniversaries. I love you! Ti Voligio Bene!

    

Thirty, he thought, the speed limit was forty-five. His hand barely glided atop the wind as it hung out the car window. His mother wasn’t a risk taker. Not like him. He was the boy who would trade his entire childhood if it meant being old enough to drive. The minimum age was all he needed to be, no sense in being older than necessary.

      “Dylan put your arm in the car before it gets chopped off,” his mother shouted.

      He did as told, no need for an argument.

      He really did wish his mother had a heavier foot. Not that he was in a hurry to get to where they were going anyway. He just loved speed, every aspect of it. He was yet to be told by more experienced children that the faster one accelerates the greater the risk of crashing. But he was a risk taker.

      The car finally stopped. Mrs. Rooney was waiting on the front porch of the house already eager to greet the two. Dylan was the first out of the car and Mrs. Rooney swiftly made her acquaintance with a motherly embrace smothering Dylan’s head into her blouse.

      “Oh, bless your heart.” She added a quick kiss on the top of his head. “Martha, you’re saving my life I hope you know."

     “Oh, it’s no problem really. Dylan is glad to help Ryan, aren’t you Dill?” She gave her son a strict stare.

     “You bet Mrs. Rooney. No problem,” he said.

     But there was a problem, for he never actually agreed to be there voluntarily. His mother had to bribe him. No chores for a week and a new set of Matchbox cars was the payment he would receive if he spent four hours with Ryan trying to help him socialize, whatever that meant. He went to school with Ryan up until a couple years ago when his mother pulled him out to home school him. Ryan was not like any other child. He was much slower at getting chores done and couldn’t respond to people as quickly as other kids. Everything about him was slow, which is what annoyed Dylan the most.

     But Mrs. Rooney came to their house crying on his mother’s shoulder because Ryan stopped talking all together. The sanctity of a mother’s tears will slow down the rapidly maturing heart of any child, including Dylan. As much as he yearned to grow up he couldn’t prevent the feeling of helplessness that came with the sight of a grownup crying. So he agreed to accept the bribe. 

SLOW BOREDOM

     In the bedroom, Ryan sat in a solid blue covered chair with his arms drooping down from his shoulders. Dylan sat across from him avoiding eye contact. He mostly stared at the carpet which was a very bland brown, not exciting.

     “You wanna play cards?” Dylan asked, but no response was given. “Can you hear me?”

     He waved his hands in front of Ryan’s eyes. It scared him a little because it seemed as if there was no life in Ryan at all. What was up with this kid? One thing Dylan noticed was that Ryan was not blinking. He almost decided to go downstairs and call Mrs. Rooney because something seemed wrong, but he suddenly had a flash of memory. It was as if his mind had a buried treasure and he suddenly uncovered it. He remembered several years ago when he and Ryan were both in first grade together. The teacher asked the students who could name their state capital, Dylan knew the answer was Trenton because that’s where his grandma lived, but it was Ryan’s hand that shot up in the air first and it was Ryan who correctly answered the teacher before Dylan’s voice even had time to roll from his tongue.

     He could not stop thinking about the memory. If this were the old West, Ryan’s quick hand would have beat Dylan’s. There was no recovery from defeat, either you are faster than the other man or you are dead. It was so simple.

     So this must mean that Ryan was once not like he is now. He was fast, so he must be faking it. He must be pretending to be slow on purpose. But why would anyone do that? Dylan took this as a challenge. He moved his chair closer to Ryan and he opened his eyes wide and glared into the dark abyss that Ryan now wore over his vision. He was going to have a stare contest.

  

     For two minutes Dylan managed to keep from blinking, but was getting tired. Ryan didn’t show any signs of fatigue. It was if he wasn’t in his own body. Dylan would not quit however, he would expose Ryan for being a fraud. Water and salt began to liquefy and Dylan’s eyes turned a glossy blue, but he kept looking into Ryan’s eyes, lost and consumed by them. Then he heard a familiar noise, an engine. He heard the distinct sound of a car engine as if it were inside Ryan’s head. As soon as the sound faded he saw what looked like a car speeding into the darkness that Ryan’s eyes held. Immediately Dylan blinked, not because he was giving up but to see if he saw what he thought he saw.

     The water ran down his cheeks and he leaned closer to Ryan looking into him to find the car again. He didn’t see it. So he spread open Ryan’s eyelids to look deeper, intruding his space, but he didn’t care at this point. He knew what he heard and saw, a blue car trapped inside Ryan’s mind. Maybe his obsession with cars was really getting a hold of him. He let Ryan go and stepped back. He couldn’t be going crazy, he had only been there an hour. Three more to go, he thought. If he didn’t find something to entertain him he was sure he would end up like Ryan.

     He walked to the closet in the back of the room and poked his head around inside. His eyes lit up at the sight of it, a dusty red car, sized just for an eight year old. It was one of those battery operated cars, but this one had no battery. This would surely keep him busy for the rest of his visit. There was no limit to an imagination built for speed. He pushed the car out of the closet and faced it toward Ryan so he could keep an eye on him. He still sat there motionlessly. He almost felt bad about giving up on him, but he knew he could not allow himself to end up like him, which is what would have happened if he did not feed his adrenaline rush.

     He opened the door and sat in.

SPEED CITY

     The car picked up speed and before he knew it he was no longer in Ryan’s room. He was on the road, behind the wheel, and driving super fast. He didn’t know what exactly took place, but he wasn’t afraid. Children do not ask themselves “how” or “why” when their dreams become real; they just live it before it gets taken away from them.

     The red battery car was now a red Ferrari. His hands were now gloved. His mind was now free. An endless road of paved highway layed out in front him and he had it all to himself. He drove until the sun set and rose again topping two hundred miles per hour. A weird feeling came over him a feeling as if he were becoming one with the car.

     There were four things he noticed during his joy riding: there were no doors on the car only windows, his gas gauge always read full, he never felt tired, and he never had the craving for food. He was sure he must be hungry since a day had gone by without eating. He thought about these things for a little while and then forgot them. These were the thoughts that end dreams. So he sped on leaving them behind.

     After a week Dylan had explored the entire territory and there was nowhere else to drive that he had not already been. His speedometer began to lower to one hundred and fifty miles per hour. Suddenly, two cars appeared on each side of his. Both were dark green with red lining. They were models he had never seen before, they resembled miniature cruise ships. A voice spoke through his CB radio.

     “I wouldn’t be doing that if I were you”, said the voice. It was coming from the car on the left.

     Dylan did not notice the radio there before and he was sure he inspected the whole car. He picked up the radio and answered back.

     “Who are you?”

     “My handle is Keebler. And she over there is Delilah.”

     “Call me Deli,” she said through the radio.

     “Where did you come from?” Dylan asked.

     “First things first, what’s your handle?” Keebler asked fervently.

     He was about to say his real name but then realized that a handle was a radio name, something made up. “Speedo”, he said proudly.

     “It’s a pleasure to meet you Speedo”, Deli said. She shook her long red hair at him as a friendly gesture.

     “I’ve been riding through these parts for a week now. I should have run into you earlier. Where did you come from?” Dylan spoke into the radio.

     “This is our speed zone. Think of this world as layers on an onion. You just happened to be at the top layer while we are at a lower layer.” Keebler said. “You have been alone because no one is fast enough to reach that zone.”

     Dylan couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Its not every day he received praises for his driving.

     “No one you say?”

     “You’re bragging kid,” Deli retorted, “You’re speed resembles your youth. A couple years and you’ll be mid zoning like us.”

     “Youth?” Dylan did not like that word. It was as if Deli insulted him indirectly.

     “The younger you are the more passion fuels your vehicle. As you get older that fuel begins depleting,” Keebler’s high voice said. “Which reminds me why we’re here, you had a drastic change in velocity. Did you hit a speed trap?”

     “Speed trap?” Dylan did not understand.

     “Speed traps are set up at every zone, beware of them,” said Deli.

Dylan did not remember hitting anything. It was a desolate road in the fast zone.

     “I slowed down voluntarily,” Dylan said.

     Both Deli and Keebler were shocked. They started speaking all at once into the radio and Dylan could not make out any words.

     “Are you crazy?” Deli shouted. “You don’t ever slow down. That’s the number one rule. You can’t. Or else he will come. And he will challenge. And he will win.”

     “Who will come?” Dylan asked.

     “Blue Blaze. He sets up the speed traps. He has been here so long that his passion is fully depleted and must live in the lowest zone. So he fuels on the passion of others waiting for them to hit a speed trap and enter his layer. You see once you enter another zone you leave open a brief doorway to the zone you were in. That’s how he sets up the speed traps. After he has killed the person and robed them of their fuel he sets up more traps on every level he can get to until all of that passion is run out.” Keebler has been speaking in a low voice as if someone were listening.

     “He is evil, Speedo. You do not want to cross bumpers with him,” Deli added.

     Dylan thought about this Blue Blaze forgetting the dangers of too much thinking. Blue Blaze must have never gotten to the fastest zone because there would have been speed traps there. So from what Dylan can piece together he alone was the fastest person to ever enter this crazy world. That brought great confidence as well as a big ego, something he hadn’t yet learned to control.

     “I will be careful,” Dylan replied to Deli.

     “Good. Its time we are off Deli,” Keebler said.

     “Ay Ay Captain,” Replied Deli.

     Two loud boat horns rocked Dylan’s car from each side and before he could realize he was alone again.

SPEED TRAP

     He thought about going back up to his level but he finally had time to look at the road which was different here from his own. For one it wasn’t as smoothly paved, he found himself swerving around potholes. In the horizon he could see the soft outline of a city. This didn’t exist in his layer and he decided to explore this territory before returning to the highest speed zone.  

     The sun was coming down and he kept his course for the city keeping his speed at 150 miles per hour. He didn’t know exactly how much more or how much less speed would shift layers because as he thought of an onion he remembered the many that existed even within the tiniest one. So he kept his speed constant and continuous.

     He had been driving for days and still not a bit of hunger affected him. What surprised him even more was that he didn’t have to use the bathroom. The strangeness of it all seemed overwhelming to him for a second, but he suddenly remembered that thoughts end dreams. So he kept driving without a thought in his head. That’s when it happened.

     It was dark and he must not have seen it or maybe he did see it but without thinking he simply didn’t register that it was there. His car slammed into a force of wind that had been bundled up in the middle of the street. It was a confined ball that decelerated the car and himself at the same time because he didn’t fly out the windshield. It was as if he was a baseball and he was caught by a huge glove. His speedometer dropped to thirty and suddenly the wind was gone and he was cruising down the same road headed for the same city that seemed to be much closer than he realized.

     He knew what had happened. Speed trap. What did that mean? Was Blue Blaze watching him? He wasn’t afraid. Dylan knew his power in this world and if he was challenged he would accept and he would be victorious. His confidence was about to be challenged.

     Headlights from a car opposite him were turned on down the long stretch of road. Static came across his radio and then a voice.

     “I’ve been waiting,” the voice was dark and echoed sinisterly.

Dylan didn’t respond he tried stepping on his gas pedal but it wouldn’t go above thirty. He noticed his gas gauge had gone down a quarter. He picked up his radio.

     “Blue Blaze I presume,” Dylan was cool and vigilant in his response.

     “Speedo I presume,” the voice reeked out.

     Both cars were coming closer together head on. A couple football fields away he estimated.

     “I accept,” Dylan said before he could be asked.

     “You never had a choice.”

     “How does this work?”

     “We stay straight on this path toward each other. The first person to swerve out of the way loses,” Blue Blaze explained.

     “What are the stakes?”

     “Life or death.”

     Dylan knew that Blue Blaze would not swerve first. He knew the risks of surviving the crash were not in his favor. But he was a risk taker. His decision was made, he would not swerve.

     Both cars were headed straight for each other. Dylan tried to push above thirty but it seemed Blue Blaze controlled this zone and he was coming at him around fifty miles per hour. It was time; Dylan reached his seatbelt and realized that one did not exist. Blue Blaze’s car was now in clear view. It was a mixture of all shades of blue with a shark fin on its hood. He could see Blue Blaze’s face. Time seemed to slow down when he recognized the face of Ryan driving the car. This was a different Ryan, his eyes were alive, his face was intense, and he was speaking clearly. Without thinking Dylan swerved to the right causing a side collision with Ryan’s car. The blue car flipped over the red car exposing sharp metal shards. The metal pierced into the red car and hooked itself in. Dylan’s car had been like a shield deflecting any front end damage and the car suddenly started to speed up. Dylan maneuvered the wheel to keep on the road, but he was now dragging Ryan’s car with him. The car sped up past 100 miles per hour, suddenly the gauge broke and the car was accelerating faster than can be measured. The Blue car accelerated with it.

     Dylan had no control over the car anymore. He was nauseated, his head was bleeding and his body scraped up. Out his driver’s window was Ryan’s car. He could see the face of Blue Blaze, who seemed to be frightened, for control was out of his hands as well. They were headed straight into the city aimed to crash against one of the buildings. Dylan grabbed the radio.

     “Ryan you have to get out. If not were both going to die.”

     “Who are you? How do you know who I am?”

     “Listen to me; I am in your room right now. I am in your car, that’s how I got here. You have to get out of here. You have to get back to your mother.”

     “There is no leaving this place,” Ryan snapped back. “You think I haven’t tried? It consumes you, stay here long enough and it turns you into something you hate. There are no doors; you become one with the car.”

     They were speeding up even more and now they were almost in the city. The building would be there final resting place. All around Dylan could see abandoned cars on the sides of the road. Victims of Ryan or Blue Blaze?

     “Ryan there is a way. Out the window, I can’t climb out I’m stuck to your car. But you can. Kick it open and climb out and you will be home.”

     “We’re going too fast, I’ll be dead if I jump out?”

     “Your mothers tears. I’ve seen them. They will slow you down as you jump out. They are the only thing that can,” Dylan said.

     Suddenly the cars were approaching the building. The next few seconds were a blur to him. There was no time left. He could see Ryan trying to kick open his window, the blood trickled down into his mouth, and he stared face to face with death, his next zone. He closed his eyes right before he crashed into the wall of brick and cement.

RYAN'S RETURN

     He was screaming when he was pulled out of the car. Blood was covering his face and his mouth and he landed face first into the bland brown rug in Ryan’s room. He did not understand it, but children tend to not ask questions when they cheat death. He shouted for joy and kissed the rug. The blood stain gave the carpet more pizzazz he thought. He then could see two feet standing in front of him. He looked up and saw Ryan holding his hand out. He confidently grabbed it and stood up.

     “Blue Blaze I presume?”

     “Speedo?” The both laughed.

     It was his mother’s tears that had saved Ryan from death that day. They carried him home the moment he jumped out the car window.

     It’s difficult to account for the things that took place that day. But Dylan was considered a hero for rescuing Ryan from the grips of dementia. Later on psychologists would say that it was Ryan’s response to his mother and father’s divorce. Adults were always trying to complicate a perfectly simple situation that they don’t understand. They forget how to use their imaginations and that sometimes children just get trapped in them. Dylan had enough of driving for a while and the boy that would have once traded in his entire childhood to grow up, decided to avoid the speed trap at all costs.

 

       

            

       

            

HOW THE FILM "GRAVITY" REKINDLED MY FAITH

Gravity is a film about weightlessness. On the surface it is about physical weightlessness in the vacuum of space, but in its deepest sense it is a film about the desire for spiritual weightlessness. Too often do we clutter our lives with debris from our anxiety, grief, and fears. Too little do we allow our burdens to drift away from us and very seldom do we “sit back and enjoy the ride” that is our life.

Gravity is a reminder that life detached from God is like trying to live in the ever expanding boundless extent of outer space.   

The Story (SPOILER ALERT)

Gravity is a survival film with a physical and spiritual dimension. On the visual surface, the film follows Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) and Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) who are victims of a routine spacewalk gone wrong when the debris of a Russian satellite crashes into their space station. Stone becomes the sole survivor faced with the challenge of making it back to earth before she runs out of oxygen or the satellite rubble orbits back around and collides with her.

On the spiritual surface, the film is about the heaviness of Ryan’s soul in the weightless environment of space and her mission from death to rebirth. Stone discusses the traumatic loss of her four year old daughter as the story develops into a purging process for her grief. The film is not only visually immaculate, but spiritually in tune with anyone going through a dark night of the soul (a form of spiritual emptiness).

Vertigo

Right around the time that Gravity was released in theaters I was going through a serious spiritual battle. Early September I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by an inner ear infection. This wasn’t merely the kind of Vertigo that Jimmy Stewart had in the Hitchcock film, but the kind of vertigo that made me feel as if my own gravitational pull had been stripped from me, numbing my limbs and shortening my breath. The kind of vertigo that induced panic attacks in my car on the drive home from work. The kind of vertigo that drifted me further into the abyss of a spiritual drought. It came upon me suddenly one night as I was drinking a glass of water and then a week later as I was praying my daily rosary in my car. My left leg quickly began to go numb. My right hand started tingling as the calcium built up, the beds of my eyes pulsated stars, and a deep warmth ignited in my chest and spread outward. No matter how loud I prayed, I couldn’t fight my body’s urge to black out on the road. I made it home safely, but the effects lasted for months and I found myself engulfed in frustration with God and a fear of praying. So I stopped. I was so traumatized from the panic attack that I negatively associated praying with blacking out. I was angry that I couldn’t sleep properly, exercise normally, and drive without a fear of crashing.

I really wanted to go see Gravity 3D, but with all of this going on it didn’t seem like a good idea to surround myself with a 7,000 square foot IMAX screen and experience the visual sensations of Sandra Bullock having a panic attack in space. It all felt too close to home. Yet, if I had I known that Gravity was going to be one of the best spiritual film I’d ever seen I might have taken the risk, if not solely to help water the withering flower that was my spiritual life at the moment. Like Ryan Stone, I felt detached from my own self and attached to fear.

Attachments and Detachments

Gravity draws heavily on attachments. Immediately after the first satellite crash, Ryan is forced to detach herself from the safety latch which causes her to spin uncontrollably into the black void. She then has to tether herself to Kowalski, who says, “It’s pretty scary shit being untethered up here.” Without gravity’s constancy they severely bump into the ISS (International Space Station) and the zero -gravity drifts them dangerously apart causing Kowalski to make the decision to detach himself from Ryan in a self-sacrificial Christ-like fashion to avoid pulling her with him into the black. “Learn to let go, Say you’re going to make it,” Kowalski coaches her as he slowly drifts away. Later, Stone must detach the parachute of the escape pod from the space station to make it home…. And so on. Every attachment to something is a detachment away from something. Stone’s spiritual attachment was to her daughter’s death and she allowed that to detach her from fully living. “The Glory of God is the human being fully alive.” – St. Irenaus. I was like Stone, attached to fear and detached from God.

Gravity

The film opens with the text “Life in space is impossible.” In space there is no gravity, no oxygen, no atmosphere… At first it seems liberating, watching George Clooney fly around in the opening scene with his jet pack and the earth as his back drop. Yet very quickly we are shown that without gravity life is dangerous, chaotic, disorganized, and wanders aimlessly without purpose. All of the dangers that are presented in the film are due to the lack of gravity. Zero gravity is the film’s antagonist complicating Stone’s mission back to earth, but it complicates her deeper mission, a mission from death back to life.

In the film, Gravity is God. Gravity draws one closer to life as Christ draws all men to himself. There is a beautiful scene when Ryan Stone believes that surviving is hopeless, she finally gets a radio frequency to work while she is inside the Russian space station. She hears the voice of a man speaking a foreign language, but cannot communicate with him. She then hears a dog barking, a baby crying, and finally the man beginning to sing to a little girl. She listens to the sounds of life soothing her as she decides to try praying for the first time. The father singing to the little girl is like God singing to Ryan. He is calling her again back from earth. There is no life out there in the weightless vacuum of space. Life exists in the weighted earth. Yet it is not the physical weight of Gravity that should bother us but the spiritual weight of our burdens that truly drags us down.  “Come to me all who labor and are burdened and I will give you rest… For my yoke is easy and my burden light.” Mt 11:30

In the beginning of the film Ryan Stone mentions that she could get used to the silence of space, mostly because of the noise in her life. Yet even in the silence of space Stone cannot find peace from her grief. While in the Russian space station she begins talking aloud to God and says she was never taught how to pray. In her darkest moment she discovers real silence, “silence” of the heart. She thought she was talking to herself, but God, who listens in silence, sent her a redeemer and she prayed for the first time in her life.

Rebirth

Once she gets to the space station there is a beautiful shot of her in a fetal position as if she were in a womb awaiting her rebirth. The Russian ship however runs out of gas before she can make it to the Chinese stations escape pod. She loses all hope. Giving up, she shuts off the oxygen to drift off to a peaceful death. Her redeemer, Kowalski, appears to her again like the resurrected Christ. His words fill her with purpose and he gives her the escape plan.  

“You can shut down all the systems, turn out all the lights and tune out everyone. What’s the point of living? It’s a matter of what you do now. Sit back enjoy the ride. Start living life. It’s time to go home.” She refutes him saying that she is out of gas, but he tells her to engage the landing process. Landing is launching. In other words, every end is always a beginning.

With one simple choice, her eyes open and she awakens a new woman. Her pessimistic attitude transforms as she speaks to Kowalski’s spirit. “I’m not quitting,” she tells him. You can see the true weight being lifted off of her and she becomes lighter than she has ever been. She speaks to her daughter and let’s go of her grief. She starts the landing gear and launches herself aboard the Chinese station where it takes her home. As the pod enters the atmosphere it begins to burn in high heat, like a spiritual purging, a shedding of her former self that leads her to life.

The pod impacts in the water and she finds herself submerged. She opens the hatch to escape and the water floods the inside of the pod. She swims out and emerges from the water like Christ after his baptism.  The film’s audio changes from the empty radio voicing of space to a full surround sound audio of the sounds of life, buzzing flies, splashing water, and gusts of wind. We see the green grass and dirt of the earth. Life is here. She’s like a newborn as she crawls out of the water onto the earth. Her hands press into the muddy clay. She struggles to get up as she now feels the weight of gravity. Gravity is always there tugging at us, but it is a necessary weight that orients us in the proper direction of our lives. Yet, even the weight that Stone feels as she struggles to stand up, she feels the weightlessness of her soul. The glory of God is man fully alive. Ryan Stone has been reborn.

Conclusion

When we try and escape Him in the silence of the cosmological “Heavens” we find a closer connection to Him on earth and in our hearts where life abounds. Jesus said “The kingdom of Heaven is upon you.” We don’t have to leave Earth to get closer to God. We need only walk a few steps and meet the neighbors or look into the eyes of our children, friends, and strangers. God is there. I allowed my illness to detach me from my gravitational connection to God. I was living without Gravity surrounded by fear and spiritual asphyxiation. God proves that even in the darkest times, life is always beckoning, especially in the hopelessness, despair, and frustrating spiritual battles.

Despite my spiritual darkness, a new light was born in my life, my daughter Imma Bernadette. She was conceived during the highest peak of my vertigo and after her birth this summer my dizziness has disappeared. I have never felt more alive. Even though my responsibilities now weigh more, I am liberated through a newfound spiritual weightlessness.

It took me quite a while to sit down and watch Gravity, but I am so glad that I did because it rekindled a flame in me that was put out for far too long. 

 
THE LIGHT OF THE RESURRECTION


We are still celebrating Easter and the wonderful light of the Resurrection yet death has been on my mind.

My wife and I are having our first child this coming July. A baby girl named Imma Bernadette and we’re very excited. I always wanted a little girl. I’m a fan of the little bows you can put in their hair, their cute outfits and smiles, up until they get interested in boys. Then they’re not so cute...Imma please love me!

Yet death has been on my mind. I begin thinking about Imma's birth, then her graduation, then wedding, then my grandchildren and all of a sudden I see myself old and slipping off to death. It’s scary when you look at your life from its entire timeline. It’s very short! When life begins to blossom within a family, death becomes more apparent, for there is greater loss attached to it. But if there is one thing that Jesus taught us, it’s that life does not end at death.

Remember the Gospel reading for Easter Sunday?

John 20: 1-9

                   On the first day of the week, Mary of Magdala came to the tomb early in the morning, while it was still dark, and saw the stone removed from the tomb. So she ran and went to Simon Peter and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and told them, “They have taken the Lord from the tomb, and we don’t know where they put him.”


                   So Peter and the other disciple went out and came to the tomb. They both ran, but the other disciple ran faster than Peter and arrived at the tomb first; he bent down and saw the burial cloths there, but did not go in. When Simon Peter arrived after him, he went into the tomb and saw the burial cloths there, and the cloth that had covered his head, not with the burial cloths but rolled up in a separate place. Then the other disciple also went in, the one who had arrived at the tomb first, and he saw and believed. For they did not yet understand the scripture that he had to rise from the dead.

Fear of Death

Let’s look at the first half of this scripture. Mary begins walking in the middle of the night to the tomb of Christ surrounded in utter darkness. Not only darkness of night, but a darkness in her heart, one stricken with grief and despair for the loss of her best friend and Master. Death is darkness. When she arrives at the tomb she notices the stone has been rolled away and immediately believes that someone had stolen the body of Jesus. “They have taken the Lord from the tomb and we don’t know where they put him.” Mary was fearful of death. Death was final. It was the final period on the long run on sentence of life. Of course she was afraid. If Jesus could be put to death than what hope did anyone else have?

There is another person who was fearful of death. A fictitious character. Very different from Mary.
Yup, you guessed it. It's Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series!

His very name means “Flight from Death”. This was someone who was so obsessed with eternal life and power that he ripped his soul into seven pieces, hiding them in earthly objects, and sought to take control of the Deathly Hallows, the three tools that would make one a Master of Death. What were the deathly hallows again? A cloak of invisibility to hide from Death, the most powerful wand ever created carved from an Elder tree, and the Resurrection Stone, a stone to bring loved ones back from the dead.

We can learn a lot from Voldemort…I mean He Who Shall Not Be Named. His fear of death stemmed from his misunderstanding of love, or rather his complete non-understanding of it. He was an orphan who was obsessed with finding out his own family heritage. Without a family, Tom Riddle (Voldemort’s actual name) could not grasp the concept of love mainly because he was conceived while his father was under a love spell.

At Hogwarts, Tom was obsessed with his heritage. Although he knew since his first year that he was the Heir of Slytherin, he didn't learn the complete story until he tracked down and visited his uncle, Morfin Gaunt. Morfin told him that his father was a Muggle and his mother was a descendant of Slytherin. Tom then murdered his father and grandparents and be-spelled Morfin into confessing to the crime. Morfin was convicted for the murders and sentenced to Azkaban. Tom then stole the Slytherin ring and turned it into a Horcrux (HBP17).

A Horcrux is an object where one hides a ripped piece of their soul after they commit a murder. Horcrux is a word that has similarities to other words that suggest pain and horror. 

Death and pain were all this boy knew. He never trusted people, he never had a family, he only sought after power because his sole motivation was to defy death! "You will hear many of his Death Eaters claiming that they are in his confidence, that they alone are close to him, even understand him. They are deluded. Lord Voldemort has never had a friend, nor do I believe that he has ever wanted one" -Dumbledore (HBP13). Imagine that you were immortal, but never felt love in your life, never had a friend to talk to, never had a mother comfort you, or a father tell you bed time stories or never even confided in someone you trusted.

That is the epitome of darkness and death. That is what Mary is walking in as she discovers the empty tomb. For her, death is a permanent state, just as her grief. She remains fearful of death just as Voldemort remained fearful of it. In Matthew 28 we hear that “Mary ran away from the tomb quickly, fearful yet overjoyed.” The difference is that Mary’s motivation to walk through the darkness was the feeling of love for Christ, while Voldemort’s motivation was his fear of dying.

Resurrection in Culture

Now our story does not end at death. Thank God! Literally!
If Death is darkness then Resurrection is… Light.

Let’s take a look at the other half of that scripture. “For they did not yet understand the Scripture he had to rise from the dead.”

Now John wrote this Gospel and he refers to himself as the “Other” disciple. Both he and Peter listen to Mary’s claim that the body of Jesus was stolen and they bolt like a beam of lightning down to the tomb while it was still dark. John gets there first, but doesn’t go in the tomb. Peter arrives and walks right in probably ready to fight for Jesus as he did in the Garden of Gethsemane where he chopped off Malchus’ ear. They find no body, just two burial cloths. One that covered the body and the other that covered his face. Peter doesn’t understand it, but the moment that John enters the tomb and sees those two cloths he has spark of revelation. For it says “he saw and believed.” What the scripture doesn’t say is how I like to read this passage. That the moment that John stepped into the tomb and saw the burial cloths, a new sun began to rise outside illuminating the tomb. Resurrection is light.

Have you heard of the shroud of Turin? It’s said that it is possible for this shroud to be that same burial cloth

that Peter and John saw. On the shroud is a faint image of what looks like a man, but inverted you see that the shroud is really a picture negative! Nobody has been able to explain how it was formed and how it is a negative! One theory that could explain  is that at the moment of Christ’s Resurrection, a burst of light shot through his body and he vanished from the cloths. The cloths would have been bounded together as was Jewish custom and when John saw the facial cloth separated from the other cloths he knew something had happened.

It’s not surprising to see the resurrection as light, for throughout scripture we continuously hear God’s relationship to Light.

In the beginning God said Let there be Light.

Jesus said "I am the Light of the World."

"Why he said, Awake you that sleep, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light." - Eps 5:14

"In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." - Jn 1:4-5

Now if Darkness is Death and Resurrection is Light where does that leave us with our Harry Potter analogy? Voldemort represents death and who represents light? Harry.
Both Voldemort and Harry grew up Orphans, both were outcasts in many ways, both suffered terrible darkness in their lives, but Harry found his strength from the friend’s he chose and he was protected by something that Voldemort could not kill, his mother’s love. So Harry became the boy who lived, and grew up never knowing his own heritage as Tom Riddle did. He watched as Voldemort regained power, sought out the deathly hallows and finally sought to kill Harry once and for all. If Harry is light then when do we see his resurrection?

Harry realizes that a part of Voldemort’s soul lives inside of himself and so in a Jesus like fashion he must make the decision to sacrifice himself in order to destroy Voldemort completely. We hear Corinthians 5:21 echo in this decision “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” Harry was going to sacrifice himself for his friends and ultimately the entire world. 

Just before he meets Voldemort in the Forrest what does he do? He turns the resurrection stone 3 times in his hand and all of a sudden he is surrounded by his family. They give him strength to perform the task he must bear similar to the angels that descend down on Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Harry equips himself with family and love. As he walks to his death, once again Voldemort uses the killing curse on him and strikes him dead. Harry wakes up in King’s Cross station only to find a piece of Voldemort, a decrepit infant like being sent there to die. Harry sacrificed himself and was resurrected to life in order to save the rest of humanity. Well you know how the story ends….death is destroyed.

That is what John realizes in the empty tomb. The resurrected Jesus has destroyed the binds of death. There need not be any more fear of dying if we believe in Love that is God our creator, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Every day we are called to resurrect our lives from the sins that weigh us down and it is our family and friends that help us draw the strength and fortitude to continuously choose love over fear, life over death. Every day we are witnesses to the flowers that die and blossom again, the earth’s continuous destruction and creation of sea floor which is what causes earthquakes, our faithful animal companions who pass away and the new puppies we go goo goo gaga for in the pet store. Resurrection is all around us.

It’s not just in Harry Potter. We saw it in Thor when he sacrifices himself to protect that small deserted town. After he is blasted to death we see a flashback of his father whispering into the hammer “Whosoever holds

this hammer, if he be worthy worthy shall possess the power of Thor.” Then boom he gets his iron clothes back.

We see it in the Avengers when Iron Man flies the bomb into space sacrificing himself for humanity. He gets resurrected.

We see it in The Dark Knight Rises when Batman carries the detonator out to sea and we watch the Bat-Copter explode. But a little later we see him resurrected in France living out his true identity as Bruce Wayne.

We see it in the Chronicles of Narnia after Aslan gives himself up to the White Witch on the Stone Table. He is resurrected after he explains to the astonished girls that there is a Deeper Magic from Before the Dawn of Time: because he was an innocent, willing victim and was sacrificed in place of a traitor, the Stone Table broke and Death worked backwards.

We see it in Star Trek: Into Darkness when Kirk sacrifices himself to save his crew and Spock brings him back to life.

"The resurrection is God’s gratuitous gift – we receive it even before we ask of it. It heals our broken humanity at the same time elevates us to the dignity as his adopted sons and  daughters! A Family! Therefore we can cooperate in this grace in order to share in the Divine Life! St. Augustine said, 'We gave Christ the power to die so that he may give us the power to live!' The resurrection is not just Jesus’ story, it is also ours. A great hero once said that we are worth dying for. A greater Hero, however, the greatest of them all in fact, proved that we are more than worth dying for. The silence of His empty tomb echoes His message with an increasing intensity, even up to this very day: WE ARE WORTH RISING FOR!" - Carlo Enrico Tinio; Pope Saint John Paul II

Death is Darkness and Resurrection is Light. Does that mean that we will never suffer or have to walk in the darkness again? Of course not, but it brings us great hope that we too will live again as Christ does.

We close with Pope Francis who says: “Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey. To those who suffer, God does not provide arguments which explain everything; rather, his response is that of an accompanying presence, a history of goodness which touches every story of suffering and opens up a ray of light. In Christ, God himself wishes to share this path with us and to offer us his gaze so that we might see the light within it, Christ is the one who, having endured suffering, is ‘the pioneer and perfector of our faith”(Heb 12:2).(Light of Faith).

God cannot guarantee that your life will be free of suffering and darkness, but he can provide you with a Church and family who always remind you of the light. And if your family are the ones that are shrouded in darkness, then today make the decision to start becoming the light that guides them to the resurrected Christ.

MAN OF STEEL - THE DARK SUPERHER

O 

I used to collect Superman comics when I was a kid. My mom would take me to the comic book store every Saturday, and I would pick out my favorites. Two that I still have in mint condition are The Death and Return of Superman. In Superman #75, an epic battle takes place between Doomsday and the Last Son of Krypton. The comic is filled with blood, tears, and death as both Doomsday and Superman kill one another. Lois Lane cries over the stained and torn cape of her hero. It is a dark comic that captured a lot of attention during the 90s. It opened up the door to "death", you can say, for DC comics, as many other superheroes began journeying towards a death and resurrection storyline after Superman did. Audiences want to see a superhero's dark side. Whether that darkness is portrayed in their opposing villain or whether it comes from the painful depths of their own soul, we enjoy watching a hero struggle with pain.

The new Superman film, Man of Steel, explores the darker side of Superman, just as The Dark Knight explored the darker side of Batman. The story veers away from some of the traditional Superman plots, creating a new sense of intrigue. We get to spend a lot of time in a dying Krypton with Avatar-like creatures rescuing Jor-El (Superman's father) from war. We learn that Kal-El (Superman, AKA Clark Kent) is actually Krypton's first natural birth in years, making him unique in his own planet as well as on Earth. Lois Lane actually meets Superman and discovers his identity long before he dons his disguise as a reporter. We find out a new detail in the death of Jonathan Kent, Clark's foster father. Superman himself is not merely the light-hearted character we have seen in the past, but a troubled outcast trying to identify with humanity. All of these new subplots make Man of Steel worth watching without destroying the essence of the Superman franchise. 

While the movie has many problems, including its shaky, Chronicle-style cinematography, the script makes up for them. We are presented with a superhero who is forced to make a choice between good and evil despite Clark's powers. Superman in this film is the opposite of Dr. Manhattan in director Zack Snyder's Watchmen. Dr. Manhattan chose to abandon humanity because he no longer relates to them. Clark Kent chooses to protect humanity even though he does not need them. Knowing that Superman doesn't need humans, but protects them anyway, is comforting. It evokes a spiritual awakening when watching the film. Superman is often seen as a Christ figure. As the last son of Krypton, he is sent by his father to protect the people of Earth. He spends thirty-three years hiding his true self. In an instant, the whole world turns on him and hands him over to General Zod (another Kryptonian who killed Jor-El). Clark goes willingly to his doom like a sheep before the shearers. Superman's relation to Jesus is obvious. Man of Steel focuses on the essence of a hero, not just self-sacrifice, but also the willingness to bear the burden of the world for eternity. The film sheds light on the sacrifice of Jesus, showing us the darkness that one must swallow to bring back the light. We are reminded of the existence of evil and are challenged to confront it in our own lives.

Darkness

Without darkness, there seems to be no need for a hero. Is that true in reality? I've often asked myself as a Catholic, would we have needed a savior if there had never been Original Sin? Was sin necessary to bring us a savior? "O Happy Fault of Adam that won for us so great a redeemer" – St. Augustine. What would our lives look like if there were no pain, suffering, cruelty, or sin? How would that change the balance of everything we know, the parameters of good and evil? A hero is measured by the evil he vanquishes. Are there any heroes in a sinless world? While I enjoy giving myself a headache over such questions, the truth is that we will never truly know. The chasm between good and evil is infused in humanity, a piece of our genetic makeup. I believe that evil must have existed from the beginning because love existed from the beginning. With perfect love comes the freedom to choose evil. Therefore, evil is an issue of choice. 

Superman's enemy is not General Zod, but evil itself. Zod, in his clueless nature, was not a bad person. He thought his mission was for the greater good of his people. In this film, Superman does not battle Kryptonite, but the demons within himself. The entire movie is reminiscent of Jesus' 40-day temptation in the desert. Kal-El is promised glory, status, and power if he joins General Zod in recreating a new Krypton from Earth's foundation, just as Jesus is promised all the kingdoms of Earth if he chooses to serve Satan. Like Christ, Superman decides to fight for those who turned him over to his betrayer. 

"Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the Earth? No, I tell you, but rather division." - Mt 10:34

A true hero will create division, enflaming the inner conflict in every human being to choose good over evil. "Man of Steel" is a refreshing reminder that choosing goodness always contains an element of sacrifice.