Whiplash Film Review - Be More Human

We've heard the expression "No Pain, No Gain" and it normally applies to muscle building when hitting the gym. The film Whiplash transitions this expression into the world of music, particularly drumming, while slowly revealing the innermost desires of the human heart to become the best version of itself. 

The film centers on Andrew (Miles Teller), a 19 year old drummer in Schaffer Music Conservatory, who finds himself hand-picked to play for the school's top jazz band and for their toughest music teacher, Terence Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). Andrew's determination to become "one of the greats" is no match for Fletcher's aggressive motivation techniques. From throwing chairs, to rage-like rants, and public humiliation Fletcher deems emotional torture a necessary step in a musician’s blossoming of greatness.

While the film expresses this boundary pushing in a dangerously exaggerated way, it holds some merit and credibility. Fletcher's techniques work until the question of humility is raised. Andrew quickly begins to practice harder each night surpassing the threshold of pain while playing through bloody blistered hands. The better he gets the cockier he becomes and Fletcher takes notice. Andrew is given many opportunities to remain humble throughout his trainings, but as he gets better he lets pride impulsively make his decisions. It's no longer about training to become the best, but feeling he has worked hard enough already to deserve to play with the best. To test Andrew, Fletcher replaces him with another drummer a few weeks before a major performance and it sets Andrew off in a rage. This pride combined with the emotional scars created by Fletcher establishes a monster within himself that Andrew does not recognize. He begins playing his music with hate, frustration, and pride rather than joy, love, and humility. The day of the Jazz competition Andrew is hit by an oncoming car while speeding to get to the concert hall in fear that another drummer will be playing his set. Despite the physical “whiplash” from the car wreck, a bloody Andrew arrives at the competition to satisfy his own ego rather than to see his company succeed.

Why the push?

Reebok just released a campaign called "Be More Human". A synonym for this campaign could be called" Become the Best Version of Yourself" The campaign shows athletes, firefighters, parents, and factory workers all training their bodies to keep up with the many demands of life. Why would anyone cause physical pain to their body through intense exercise? Reebok’s answer is to become a better and more determined human. This is why I feel that Fletcher's technique of pushing his students to their breaking point molds a stronger performer, but it is also a lesson for every area of one's life. While Fletcher’s way of motivating is far-fetched, I do believe in healthy practices of pushing the limit in order to become better at anything you do. We don’t see enough of this kind of pushing anymore.

We have become a society of settlers. We tend to settle for lives of mediocrity rather than push ourselves to achieve the things we know we can. Whether it is as difficult as becoming the greatest musician in the world or as simple as becoming the best possible friend to others, we lose sight of the bigger picture when faced with the hard work it takes to become the best version of ourselves.

This is where the film shines because at one point Andrew has the opportunity to become one of those settlers in life. He gives up on drumming after a major melt down and fall out with Fletcher and his school. He abandons his passion for music for the wrong reasons. Rather than investigate his obsessive compulsion to drumming he simply walks away from it. Yet at the end of the film we are given the magnificent visual of a person "fully alive", living out the best version of himself.  Without giving the finale away, we discover that when Andrew plays to prove to himself that he is a great drummer rather than to impress his teacher, the best version of himself shines. All of his hard work pays off and he musically blossoms in front of his father, his peers, and his teacher.

We live in a time of what Henry David Thoreau called "Quiet Desperation", this complacent settling of the cards life deals us. We get discouraged when our hard work does not pay off immediately and become too caught up in our own little world that we forget about the other people around us. This discouragement causes us to settle and take the first job that comes along, but never do the things that make us truly happy. We lead lives of this desperation and do not know how to escape from it. Whiplash shows us (in an overly exaggerated way) that every day we must stretch the talents we want to continue to develop, keep track of the dreams we want to achieve, and ask ourselves “what are we doing to accomplish them?”

I don't agree with Fletcher's aggressive techniques, but I do agree with the psychology behind them. He tells Andrew that “There are no two words in the English language more harmful than ‘good job’.” If more people analyzed this statement while asking themselves why they haven't accomplished the dreams they set for themselves, their lives would become less desperate and more passionate.  

I am voting Whiplash as Best Picture and J.K. Simmons as Best Supporting Actor for the Oscars 2015.

Check out the Reebok - Be More Human Campaign Video

Also, Check out this great Whiplash review from a well-seasoned film reviewer, Mark Kermode.

The Imitation Game: Does Homosexuality Take Away Your Talents, Contributions, and Identity?

The Imitation Game is a film about secrets. Secrets which determine life, death, morality, and identity. From one perspective it is a spy film, from another it's a war epic, and from another it's activism for "gay" rights. There is also a hidden spiritual dimension of the film that slowly unravels. It is this generations “A Beautiful Mind” and is one of the most important films you will see this year.

STORY
Alan Turing is a puzzle solving mathematician who enlists in the British military to help the government crack the unbreakable Nazi code, Enigma, on which all of the German intelligence transmits their secret messages and planned attacks during the Second World War. With a team of four other cryptologists, Turing builds the world’s first computer that deciphers the Nazi’s secret decryption.

The film is brilliantly written, edited, and pieced together like its own unique crossword puzzle, shelling out clues frame by frame. The film's non-linear storyline provides an extra shroud of mystery as we jump back and forth from 1951 when Alan Turing is arrested. We are told one thing via Turing's opening voiceover, "Pay Attention". We then begin a flashback about Turing's interest in building a machine to break the Nazi code at the start of the war, and then a third storyline of Turing's childhood days with his best friend Christopher. Each story unfolds beautifully revealing deeper truths to a film layered in meaning.

IMITATION & IDENTITY

While Turing successfully deciphers Enigma, he struggles to solve the puzzle of his own life and identity. We discover that from a young age he has stood out as an odd ball in the social circle of his preparatory school colleagues. They criticize him, nail him under the floorboards of a classroom, and treat him as an outcast. All his schoolmates, with the exception of Christopher, his best friend and mentor, see nothing of value in him. It is Christopher who reminds Alan that "It's the people who no one imagines anything of that do the things no one can imagine." From a social perspective, Turing's colleagues would have preferred him to imitate someone he was not in order to fit the mold of "normalcy". 

The title "Imitation Game" is befitting for every scenario in the film. From the actual machine Turing builds that imitates the Nazi code (which he names Christopher) to Turing's “imitation” of a straight man during his marriage proposal; the “Imitation Game” is played by almost everyone in the film. Everyone has something to hide or information another person wants. Even the film itself plays an imitation game with it's audience. It imitates the kind of war film viewers expected to watch all the while revealing its hidden identity as the film progresses. One must in fact "pay attention" in order to piece these clues together to decipher its message.

While on the surface you are watching a war story of the intelligent minds behind the destruction of the Nazi regime, you are also discovering an ironic prejudice behind the British government. As the Germans were persecuting the Jews for not fitting into a specific identity, England was forcing homosexuals to hide their identity under penalty of law.

We are given a clue early in the movie about how to decipher the film's message. It is given upon the discovery of a transcribed code from a Russian spy amongst the group of cryptologists. The spy used the Gospel passage of Matthew 7:7 as the key to decrypt the hidden messages and I believe that it is also the key to the film. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." It is a passage about discovering one’s identity and purpose in life which Alan Turing sought throughout the film.

After he successfully breaks Enigma and discovers the Nazi's plans of attack, Turing is forced to keep it a secret within a tight circle of individuals. In fear of the Germans discovering their code breaking, the content of each deciphered message is first analyzed meticulously to figure out which German attacks to allow through and which to stop.With the power of life and death in his hands it is Turing's decisions that ultimately bring the war to an end, shortening it by at least two years. Winston Churchill would later say that Turing “made the single biggest contribution to the allied victory in World War II”.

Despite his natural born genius, his gifted analytical thinking, and beautiful mind, Turing still struggled to find his identity within the film. He was unable to reveal that he was the man who ended the war and had to go back to his life of secrecy. He was a gay man in a time of major prohibition of "same-sex attraction". The only person he could ever be himself with was Christopher, who suspiciously died of bovine tuberculosis when they were in school together.

As the film jumps back to 1951, Turing is arrested for indecent exposure with another man. When he is being questioned, he asks the detective to play the "imitation game" with him. After telling the detective his entire life story he asks him to judge whether he is a machine, a person, a war hero or a criminal?

This is a critical part of the film's message. When the detective says that he cannot judge him, Turing sadly states, "Well then, you're no help to me at all." Turing was looking for someone else to help decipher his own identity. He was looking for a judge. Everyone else had failed him, his parents, classmates, people, and his country. He finally looks to the law to find some sort of fair judgment on his life and receives none. There is only one fair judge, qualified to reveal the purpose, identity, and mission behind any of us. This is where the film's spiritual message seeps through. 

God usually gets a bad wrap when it comes to homosexuality mainly because of human confusion and misunderstanding. God is love and creates everyone unique and unrepeatable. It wouldn't make sense for Christ to suffer on the cross for all except for those who are "gay". We need a serious reality check here. In Turing's case, those who were judging him were the same people he was willing to fight and risk his life for. He had never seen his talent and passion for justice as God-Given, at least not in the film, but those very qualities are gifts imbued in his identity. 

Does homosexuality take away your talents, contributions, and identity? Turing needed to be recognized as a person, not as a machine or a war symbol. He needed the righteous judgment of his Creator. Turing never looked to God, but looked to his own creation. The only person he could relate to was Christopher, his code breaking mentor. Without Christopher around to affirm his identity he then built a second Christopher, a code breaking machine that he could dedicate his life to. How could we possibly come to the conclusion that just because someone is gay that makes them less of a person to identify with? 

Turing was on a journey of self discovery, but had poor guidance. Rather than shun each other we must support one another along our individual journeys to understanding our own purpose and missions in life. We all must ask, seek, and knock in order to have our identities confirmed and recognized within the recesses of our soul.

WHERE DO YOU BELONG IN THE WORLD?
Much like Turing, we all hide a part of ourselves because of some fear, whether it is imprisonment, rejection, or persecution, we all play a part. We know how to act in front of parents, friends, family, managers, colleagues, or strangers. We find it difficult to be who we were born to be on display for others to see. 

We all yearn to know where we belong and how we fit in. This is especially true still to this day within the LGBT community as it was for over 49,000 men in Great Britain who were imprisoned for homosexual activity under the gross indecency law up until 2003.

Turing reminds me of Jesus in this film for so many reasons, one being that he was rejected for his innate identity. Yet Christ was a person who was always himself around everyone. He even went to his hometown and tried to perform miracles there even when they disbelieved. He was a man who lived his identity in every area of his life up to the point of death. He knew where he belonged.

Turing is definitely a Christ figure in the film for he knew he had a talent that was to be used outside of himself and despite the many years of humiliation, pain, and suffering from others he persevered to succeed in his mission. He tells the detective in a voiceover as we watch a young Turing being nailed into the floorboards by his schoolmates, "People like violence because it feels good, but take away the satisfaction and the act becomes hollow." That is the perfect description of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Rather than face imprisonment for indecent exposure, Turing chose chemical castration, a daily dosage of medicine aimed at curing his "gay" tendencies. This innocent victim took upon himself a chemical crucifixion that has not until recently begun bringing about fruits for the thousands of victims persecuted by the British government during this time. Whether this chemical obstruction was directly linked to his suicide or not, Turing was a victim of societal prejudice. And like Jesus, Turing was a man no one imagined anything of, but accomplished the thing no one could imagine.

Turing was pardoned in 2013 and you can check out the petition to support the pardoning of the 49,000 men convicted of being gay under British law. 

    

WHY I ALWAYS CRY AT THE END OF THE FILM "WARRIOR"

**Spoiler Alert

When was the last time you blubbered after a film? Maybe it was at the end of Titanic when you saw a young Jack take Rose's hand. Maybe it was at the end of Forrest Gump when he mutters through his tears about his son, "He's so smart Jenny." Or maybe it was the beautiful final scene of The Notebook which symbolizes the eternity of true love. We all have a blubbering film, for my wife it is Moulin Rouge, a film that she would start again from the beginning the moment it ended in a vicious cycle of tears. My uncontrollable tearjerker is the film Warrior. It is easily one of the most underrated movie ever made as it is the Rocky of MMA (mixed martial arts). The film is not so much about mixed martial arts as much as it's about the triumph of the human spirit. 

I've seen it four times now and each time I have embarrassingly cried at the closing credits. I'm talking shakes, lip quivers, and short breath panting. I needed to explore why this movie made me feel this way and I'm sure much of it has to do with my brother and my own masculine genetics.

The Plot
Warrior is a story of two estranged brothers, Brendan (Joel Edgerton) and Tommy Conlon (Tom Hardy), who end up fighting each other in the championship bout of an MMA tournament. Trained at a young age to be vigilant fighters by their alcoholic father Paddy (Nick Nolte), both Brendan and Tommy reunite to settle the ambiguous hatred for one another that was built from their parents separation. While Tommy followed his mother and watched her lose a slow battle with cancer, Brendan stayed with his father and eventually parted ways due to Paddy's abuse of alcohol. 

Brendan became the family man, was married, had children, and took a job teaching high school physics. Tommy joined the Marines and abandoned his company after a traumatic event overseas. The story takes place after Tommy returns and seeks out his now sober father to help train him for an MMA tournament granting a five million dollar prize to its sole champion. Meanwhile, Brendan's family faces the foreclosure of their home and in a desperate attempt to make ends meet he participates in illegal street fights for extra cash. By a stroke of luck Brendan finds a way into the same MMA tournament as his brother without knowing it.

Each character has something to prove, something to gain, and something to lose. If Brendan does not win he will lose his house and if Tommy does not win he cannot support the family of his fallen comrade (whose death he takes responsibility for).

Okay, so why all the crying?

My Brother

My brother and I grew up very close. I remember how he would cry on the front steps of our New Jersey home when I refused to take him with me to go hang out with my friends. He so badly wanted to be a part of my life at such a young age (there is a four year difference between us). I remember one time our older friend, Derek, was criticizing my brother Chris over some dispute about roller blades. To alleviate the pressure off of my brother, I picked up Derek's roller blades that were sitting on my front porch and I threw them off to the grass below. The thud of the blades lit a flame of anger in Derek's eyes as he turned his attention to me now. He simply said, "Why don't we go across the street, if you are man enough." This was clearly going to be a fight and I was definitely not going to win as Derek was twice my size and much older. Yet, I was not going to allow Derek's criticism of my brother be taken lightly.

Rather than appear like a wimp in front of our two other friends who were present for this as well, I obliged to meet him across the street in the parking lot of a Jehovah's Witness church. It was freezing that day and there was snow all around me. The moment we reached the emptied lot, Derek threw me to the ground and pinned me there. He picked up my head and began smashing it against the cold asphalt. He kept seeking an apology, but none was offered. I just stayed there quietly and took an ass whooping for my brother. Derek did not feel good fighting someone who wouldn't return his frustrated blows and he let me go, riding away on his bicycle. (Ironic side note, Derek is now an MMA trainer!) 

That was a great day of bonding for my brother and me. I stood up for him and he was proud of that. He was much smaller than I was and I was obligated as his brother to protect him. He wouldn't stay little forever though.

Sometime later, Chris and I were standing in line buying Mystic drinks at our neighborhood Exxon convenient store, when the guy in front of us turned around and asked if we were brothers. I told him we were and he told me to remember that one day my brother was going to be bigger than me and I would have to learn how to deal with that. He said that his brother now towers over him as an adult. I never forgot that because eventually Chris grew to become bigger and physically stronger.

Through the years we slowly drifted apart, taking separate paths and finding different interests. The most devastating divergence between us was when I asked him to step down as my best man at my wedding because I felt he was not stepping up when I needed him most. We never talked about this further and it still feels like a wound in our relationship even though it has been almost six years since. I grew up like Brendan Conlon, a family man working hard to support the ones he loves. My brother is a less angry version of Tommy Conlon, focused on physique, nutrition, and holding a dark cloud of emotional repression.

Masculine Sentimentality

Men have an inner need to express themselves physically. This is why violent sports are entertaining. This does not mean that women are excluded from this, but it tends to be the majority of men who have trouble communicating their feelings through thoughts and words. Men communicate physically through the pummeling of their bodies. Maybe it is rooted from the early days of Gladiators, but men tend to settle the score through physical means.

There is a dichotomy when it comes to the way men and women share their feelings and connect with others emotionally. Without completely generalizing, women tend to express their feelings more openly then men do. Saint John Paul II said that women are more sentimental and men tend to be more sensual. It is through that sensuality that mend discover their sentimentality. However, I also believe that men are called to sacrifice their bodies as a virtuous act. This driving force to lay down one's life can be misconstrued and taken out of context when it comes to violent sports, but it can also be used to understand the way men communicate. Think of William Wallace in Braveheart or Leonidas in 300. A hardworking husband may show his love through the intense hours he puts in, trying to balance work, family, and self-development. Physical activity is a way men work out the emotional stirrings that settle in their hearts. Is it perfect? No, but it's our challenge as men to be aware of our masculine sentimentality and its deeper desire to express externally that which is hidden internally.

This is vividly expressed in Warrior when Tommy faces Brendan in the final showdown. Despite the many attempts to reconcile, Tommy refuses to listen to Brendan and see reason. At the same time Brendan refuses to see his brother’s emotional pain caused by witnessing the deaths of his mother and Marine brothers. So they must settle their emotional battle in a very physical way. Without spoiling the ending, it is the last two minutes of this fight that always bring about uncontrollable tears. 

Those last two minutes send a shockwave of emotion through my body. I begin to shake because I am reminded of every missed opportunity I had to be a responsible big brother. I am reminded of all the times I failed to shield my brother from witnessing the domestic disputes in our household. I cry because I stopped fighting the Derek's of the world for him and lost myself in a web of familial numbness. I cry because when our parents split up I didn't choose him just as  Brendan didn't choose Tommy. And no matter how beneficial it was for my well-being and maturity, I'll always fee guilty for not being there when he needed me most. 

Those final two minutes showcase the need for the human body to physically break in order for one's emotional wall to be torn down. I secretly want to fight my brother in order to crack open the the sealed container we buried our childhood innocence in, allowing it to spillover in the grace of forgiveness. I cry because I find more courage in writing these emotions than actually speaking them. 

Is this a movie worth watching then? Definitely, especially with your brother.

I love you Chris!

The Giver: The Good, The Bad, and The Holy 

What would the world look like without suffering? Can you even imagine it? Who wouldn't wish for a life without the debilitating effects of terminal cancer, disease, and war? Better yet, what about a place that can eliminate discrimination, prejudice of race, and poverty? It certainly sounds good. The only cost for this world would be a few innocuous elements of your life like beauty, nature, and free-will. Would you trade those for peace on earth?

In The Giver, a new utopia is presented where there is no unemployment, relationship problems and what was that other thing...oh yeah, emotions. The society is built on Sameness a genetic and economic initiative that eliminates all differences in order to create a safer world. 

It is essentially a society without God. Well, more like a society which builds itself as God. Sameness is run by a council of elders whose societal decisions include: blocking out the Sun as to manipulate the weather, mandating how many children a family can apply for, assigning its citizens their careers, and writing the moral code all people must abide by. Who would let this happen and what about the human conscious you may ask? It is chemically pushed aside through the daily doses of prescriptive drugs they lawfully oblige citizens to inject. What seems like a utopia at first slowly reveals itself as a dystopia. 

The Giver is an actual person in this society who was chosen to obtain all of the memories and real emotions of the past world (AKA our world today). His position is titled "Receiver of Memories" and at the beginning of the film a new "Receiver of Memories" is chosen to take his place. Jonas, a young eager graduate, is given this position because of his ability to "see beyond." His real ability is to see "truth". After receiving memories of joy and pain, Jonas discovers the utopian hoax that the society has been forcing on its people. He attempts to undo the many years of brainwashing that Sameness has established.

Lois Lowry's book "The Giver" discusses all of these themes for a very young audience. The film version tries to adapt the book's simplistic genius, but falls short many times. However, this is not a review to discuss why the book is better, but a review to highlight the film's Good, Bad, and Holy qualities. 

The Good 

The film delivers some very powerful visuals that make for deep conversations, especially for families and small groups. It tackles tough content such as, euthanasia, infanticide, capital punishment, and controlled sexual reproduction. The themes are not only relevant to today's society but are presented particularly for a younger audience.

The film inspires with it’s stunning visuals of the beauty of nature like snow, the ocean, and the sun. The fairly simple shots shown in context of a character who has never seen them before reminds us all of what beauty exists in our lives. As Jonas receives memories from the Giver, he feels them as if they were his own experiences. To witness his reactions to beauty for the first time is a nice touch that the film has over the book, the fact that we can see what he is seeing. It reminded me of the Youtube clip of the little girl experiencing rain for the first time. There is something about it that fills you with joy! Check it out here, but after you finish reading. Once you watch it you will forget about this blog!

The films promotes an awareness of societal numbness. The kids in the film are forced to inject themselves everyday with a dose of an emotion-decreasing drug. They become limited in their perception of the holistic society and the world. They stop asking questions about why things are the way they are. When you have lost the ability to question, you have lost your ability to think.

We are experiencing a current generation shrouded in numbness and overly enveloped in self involvement. The film does a great job at promoting the affects of this sort of society. It reminded me of "The Village", another film about controlling people through fear and attempting to eliminate all human suffering. What happens when you eliminate suffering though? You eliminate beauty as well. There is no beauty without suffering like there is no baby without the pains of childbirth, no coral without years of water erosion, or no mountain without a hole.

The Bad

This film is certainly not for everyone. The directing does not stand out and the cast doesn’t shine as much as it does on the movie poster. They were trying very hard to get today’s youth into the seats, which is why they added Taylor Swift in as a cameo. 

Even with Meryl Streep, Jeff bridges and Swift the movie still felt incomplete. It’s because the pacing in Lowry’s book allows for much time spent between Jonas and The Giver. You see a relationship blossom and it becomes evident that a sincere friendship is built between them. The film spends more time developing a relationship between Jonas and his girlfriend rather than with the Giver. The film was trying to attach a romantic story where the book did not offer. 

Also the film uses real footage from Youtube clips, current media, and some documentaries to portray the prior state of the human race as Jonas is receiving memories. The footage is meticulously placed with inspirational music layered over to force out an emotion from the audience. (Did you pay attention to the music used in the clip of the little girl and rain?) They do this because it masks the lack of performance from the actors. We generally don’t care about these characters like we do in the book, but put solid images to inspiring music and you have got yourself a tearjerker! I think this is because of a lack of directing rather than acting because the cast is strong, just outside this movie. 

The film also becomes very predictable due to the pacing and the obvious placement of narrative. You already know the ending before you ever get to the middle of the film. They did not know how to properly imbed the exposition of the story throughout the screenplay.

The Holy

Now with that being said, the film offers a layer of spiritual content that is not seen in many movies nowadays. The Giver is society's version of Jesus. They need someone to take upon the weight and memories of the entire world. The truth is that no mortal man can bear this weight. Which is why only a God/Man could be the one to remove sin. Sameness eliminated religion thus eliminating the possibility of a savior, yet they were still able to recognize that Sameness needed a type of savior, one who could carry all of the beauty, but also all of the pain from its past. This was the only way Sameness could work. 

Even within this dystopian society God is still present. No matter how many gifts the Elders rejected from their Creator, God still placed gifts into a few individuals like Jonas and baby Gabriel, those who can see beyond or as I call it Truth. God uses Jonas to end the restriction of memories. Jonas freely chooses to sacrifice his life to bring back all of the memories in the dystopian society, a true Christ figure.

We discover that suffering and beauty are necessary in life because the appreciation for beauty is intensified when one chooses to suffer for it. Sameness preaches freedom, but it is choice that is the ultimate freedom. Choosing to suffer is choosing beauty. Yes, there is unnecessary suffering in the world, but we cannot simply uproot the grass with the weeds. Rather we must simply feed the grass so that the weeds can no longer grow. Choosing to do good is holier than being forced to behave and it is more effective. 

Conclusion

While the world of The Giver is pushing Sameness in this world it is ignoring the after life where there will be a kind of sameness, which is a oneness with God. The big difference is that we will still hold to our individual selves while experiencing an intense unification with God and the celestial society. In this world there is truly one Giver, God three in one, who truly did take on the suffering of the entire world so that the entire world could freely choose this beatific life. While all suffering will be eliminated it has now been weeded out from beauty. Beauty exists in abundance as intended, but suffering will finally cease. 

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH - MY REFLECTION ON FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Why do so many people offer you the same advice before you get married? It’s like there is a secret club that you are automatically initiated into when you are wed who share the same pieces of practical information or rather disinformation.  It is never really informative for a successful marriage, it always seems like a desperate attempt to make you aware of their own dissatisfaction with their spouses. They say things like: 


“I am so glad you are getting married because you shouldn't be happier than me.”

“Remember these two words: ‘Yes, dear.’”

“Get ready for your sex life to be over!”

This information is usually divulged in a friendly laughable manner, but it is also disclosed as if it were Sacred Scripture. With divorce rates so high, I can understand why so many couples have predisposed deleterious feelings towards marriage. Why don’t we hear more practical advice about marriage and its beatific vision for the human person? Probably because like everything good in life, it takes much sacrifice to make marriage work.

This month my wife I and celebrated our four year anniversary and I have a serious revelation to share. I am happily married (Sorry Ladies). I am not just happy with my life, but I am more in love with my wife, Laura, now than the entire accumulation of our eleven year relationship. I am not going to say that our marriage is perfect because as with everything there is always a need to grow, mature, and forever polish that which is most prized in life. I will say that our marriage is sincere and open to the acceptance of one another. 

I know some will say, "Wait twenty years until you can't stand each other", "Wait until more kids come" "Wait until there is a death in the family, then you'll think differently." Why do we measure marriage based on the amount of emotional crisis we can go through as a couple? Do our vows mean nothing anymore? Why do we doubt our promises to one another when the crisis comes? "I take you in sickness and in health, except when it proves to be very difficult for me." 

I think so many marriages fail for two reasons: the inability to accept the other person just as they are and the inability for that same person to change. “I accept you, now change.” It sounds ironic, but is true when you uncover what acceptance really means. Professionals will tell you that marriages fail mainly because of sex and money or lack thereof, but I think those are results of the deeper issues of acceptance and change. 

“The curious paradox is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 


– Carl Rogers

Acceptance

When Laura and I first met I was lost in a world of imagination and self-involvement. I cared for very little people and didn't have much going on in my life. Without preparing for college I didn't attend after high school. I held some poisonous friendships, ones that weren't molding me into a better person. I didn't have a car and was too proud to take a bus anywhere, even if it was to see Laura when we were dating. I was very quiet around people, closed off to society while Laura was very familial and social. I was numb from a visually disruptive childhood, but never let that on. When I think back on my personality then, it boggles my mind on how I ever got the girl. What could she have ever seen in that weak boy with a goatee? Well, I asked her one day and she told me that she could see the man I would become. 

While I am still struggling with my own acceptance, I can proudly say I have changed completely for the better. Laura accepted my personality, but not my bad habits. She clearly saw the habits that were preventing me from becoming the man that I was meant to be and she challenged the habits, not my personality. 

I am still an oddball around her, making up lyrics to her favorite songs, talking to myself in front of the mirror, and trying to get her to laugh at my “genius” comedic timing. These personality traits drive her crazy, but she has accepted them. It is because of this acceptance that I challenge myself to change those habits that destroy my joy, well-being, and relationship with her. 

Change

Now this does not mean that a person in a physically violent relationship should accept this circumstance and all of a sudden their alcoholic spouse will change. Accepting the person is like piercing through their heart and embracing their true identity, that motivated individual that is begging to come out. In situations like this, the habit of alcohol abuse, for example, needs to be challenged and if that involves one spouse separating from the alcoholic then that may be what is necessary. Change can only come from the person who makes the decision to change. It is an act of the will. 

Habits that alter your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual states are worth questioning. Is my diet affecting my spouse? Is my creativity affecting my spouse? Are my emotions pushing my spouse away? Are my spiritual habits too advanced for my spouse or are they too vague? Acceptance inspires change. Think of a rebellious teenager's reason for closing off to his parents, “You don’t understand me!” That same teenager opens up to the friends who accept him as he is. Sooner or later that kid will begin to change and conform to the habits of his friends. 

Marriages are in desperate need for spousal acceptance which inspires positive change.   

I do not only attribute acceptance and change as the characteristics of our successful marriage. There are four more that I think are necessary. I call them the four "F's". And yes, I'm sure someone else can come up with their own four "F's", but let's stay positive people!

Friendship

Laura is my best friend. If your spouse is not your best friend then something is wrong. Does that mean that we have to do everything together? While life experiences have more meaning when shared, we are still opposite genders. There are certain kinds of bonds that one sometimes needs from their own sex. Laura enjoys formal and impromptu sessions of discussion with her female friends that involve deep emotional topics. I just want to play basketball. Maybe suck at golf for a couple hours. I prefer physical competition where I can trash talk through my corporeal abilities. 

Then there are the places I don’t want to go without her. Food I don’t want to try unless she is with me. Experiences I need to appreciate only in her company. (Unless it’s a movie…then I’ll watch it anyway. Sorry, Love). I can’t remember how I ever laughed without her in my life or felt joy. The trips I remember the most are the ones that only she and I take. I have vivid memories of our honeymoon in Mexico, our trip to Madrid, and our adventure in St. Augustine. No other memory can stand against those. They are filled with simplicity, togetherness, laughter, and a complete sense of unity. Friendship for us is as necessary as breathing. Our marriage cannot survive without it. 

Freely Communicating

I still struggle with this one, but have come a distance. Laura is much better at it than I am, but I have learned the hard way that communication is key to a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, a crazy shift begins to happen in men after a certain amount of time in a relationship, they stop listening. For some men it takes two seconds of conversation and for some it takes ten. I have become aware that my attention is pulled in so many different areas, my neurological pathways are sending messages to more parts of my body and I converse more with myself when I am supposed to be talking to my wife. So we bump heads a lot due to mis-communication. 

I understand that men have a challenge when it comes to expressing their feelings. Ladies you should be aware of this and help create for your spouse a safe ground to discuss those feelings. Men are hard on themselves. I am constantly beating myself up for forgetting to make a doctor’s appointment, not cleaning the garden or washing the cars, and not challenging my wife at times to live up to the best version of herself. Men want to talk about those things, but need a safe place to do it. Physical activity can only let out so much emotion, while the rest of it needs to be talked out. 

Discuss everything especially finances, intimacy, work, and dreams. Laura and I started a dream book where we write our dreams in there to reflect on. Remember that it should be free communication, don't make your spouse try and pull the information out of you like she is extracting a tooth. So many times I have done this to Laura and it creates a divergence. If your spouse is your best friend then communicating should be safe, easy, and free.

Family

Family is the support network needed to help you keep things in perspective. I have always had a challenge with my family. I grew up independent mostly, free from curfew, rules, and positive encouragement. I love my family, but it’s difficult to get emotionally connected to them.  Laura grew up with the complete opposite. So you can imagine the provocation of a shy emotionally numb boy entering into an emotionally connected family. I have been challenged by my in-laws so many times to take care of my spouse and continuously change my habits. With over thirty years of marriage they are a reminder of success and a beacon of hope. The amount of love they have for Laura and I is immeasurable. You could count the molecules in the Indian Ocean faster than you could sum up the immense love this family has for us. Family is important within marriage. Many couples avoid each other's families or live with a deep sense of resentment towards them. I think if married couples really tried to embrace and accept their spouse’s family, they would find a deeper love and a new support network. I can only dream of giving my daughter the same support that our family has given us.

Faith

No matter what faith you are or if you simply consider yourself "spiritual", faith is the most important aspect of marriage. Faith encompasses not only a religious belief, but a unified set of moral standards. Faith serves as an aid during difficult struggles, a pathway to raise your children on, and a deeper love than you can ever imagine. I can tell you that Laura and I would not be married if it were not for our faith. In the early years of our relationship we used to be infinity for each other. We were each other's God and that was a weight that was far too much for anyone to bear. Together Laura and I discovered, nurtured, and lived out a personal relationship with Christ. He helped us get back to courtship, fostering a real love for each other, one filled with giving and emptying ourselves to God. We were filled with graces beyond comparison. We bonded in new ways through music by playing for our choir, retreats, and for a band. 

Many couples have told us that they admire our marriage, but I can tell you that any joy they see within our lives comes from a life of "seeking the kingdom of Heaven". The greatest gift I have received from my faith has been a phrase that came to me one day at mass. I easily get frustrated when things don't go the way I planned. I think of myself as a perfectionist and want my marriage to be perfect in every aspect. One day I was praying for our marriage and I just had this thought in my head, "Stop seeking perfection, seek joy." So many times in life we try and control people, scenarios, and the course of our own lives, but experience tells us that things never go according to plan. So seek joy, not perfection. Joy is everlasting. Joy imprints the memories that are worth storing for later reflection. Joy is the fruit that marriage needs to thrive. Authentic faith leads to joy.

Prove it to Me

I remember when my love for Laura blossomed more spectacular. It was when I encouraged her to audition for "The Voice". We flew up to New York and spent the weekend prepping for the competition. I was completely overwhelmed by my joy for her. I wanted her to showcase her talent and succeed for completely altruistic reasons. I did everything I could to motivate, keep her on schedule, make sure her voice was well lubricated with tea, and be present for her. It may sound silly to you, but for someone who would always think of himself, this was one time where I had no interest in me and I knew that I had truly changed for the better. 

I witnessed Laura's profound love for me when I was diagnosed with Vertigo. It was a nasty spell lasting over five months. She put herself on hold during that time even when she found out that we were pregnant and took care of me. She drove me to work every morning and picked me up because of my fear of blacking out on the road. She took me to ENT appointments, set up a special bed for me to sleep on so I could get shut-eye, and cooked. She never asked for anything in return because out of her pure love she wanted to nurture me back to health. 

Marriage is more than the wedding reception, it is a lifetime of opportunity waiting to be conformed into joy. You will inevitably face suffering, but through the bonds of deep friendship and free communication of feelings you will see that your spouse is there to help carry the burden not be the burden.

For My Wife

These last four years spent with you have been the most challenging, yet most fulfilled years of my life. It's not the same relationship that it was in our early years. While we used to be in awe of the "new", I am finding that my love for you is not dependent on how funny you are, how gorgeous you are, or how talented you are. I am discovering that my life can't be explained while it is separated from you. The very fabric of my identity as a man, husband, and friend is intermingled in yours. It’s true that marriage is meant to act as a bond for the complementation of the couple. When I look inside myself it is your strength I discover. It is your voice I hear when I doubt myself. It's your love that motivates me. I yearn to become the best husband and friend for you because you are an extension of myself. Self-motivation is really a unitive-motivation. 

I know I fall short in so many aspects of our marriage, but I promise to be forever open to continuous learning and consistent application of change. I am invisible without you. You are my foundation and existence. Four years have gone by since our vows were said and not a day has gone by that I feel discouraged. I love you deeper every day. I am freely here to help you find your happiness in life. I am faithfully dedicated to you forever. Together we have fruitfully extended our love for the world to physically hold, touch, and cherish (Imma). I am totally yours from Mind, body to soul. Thank you for loving this silly boy for so long. Here is too many more anniversaries. I love you! Ti Voligio Bene!